I’m going “home” soon.
Andrew Largeman once said (in reference to the idea of “home” once you’ve moved out), “You feel like you can never get it [home] back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know”
Even though I’m going home soon. I wonder if it will still feel like home. I remember when I was in college. I moved back home for most of my summers. It still felt like home then. But, I remember one day (or maybe it was more than one day) one of my parents (probably my dad) said something along the lines of, “It’s as if this is just a place for you to sleep(or put your things)”
At that point, home became a little less like home. No, not precisely at that point. But close. I thought to myself, “Hm… he’s got a point” My “home” was becoming a place of limbo. During college it was just a place to kind of wait around until the next semester started. After college it was just a place to wait around in until Peace Corps called. After Peace Corps… I’m not sure. I don’t know what home will mean then.
What made me think of home was a smell and sound combination that made me feel very nostalgic for a specific time in my life. The smell of popcorn blew into the internet cafe and I was listening to mixtapes from this cool website called 8tracks that allows me to listen to streaming music over here in The Philippines (Pandora doesn’t work here). And I caught some pop-punk music. The combination reminded me of standing outside of Harkin’s Movie Theater in Bricktown. Waiting for a movie to start, messing around with friends, love, fall… All of those old middle/high school feelings. I suddenly had a crush on every girl, needed to have a VERY SPECIFIC brand of jeans because those knock offs are NOT the same, wanted to but didn’t really need to shave, and felt every emotion with so much passion that at any moment I could probably cry if I tried.
It was… nice.
Not that I’d like to relive high school.
Anyway, it just really hit me that after two years… The Philippines feels like home.
And now, I’m going to have to make this new Americaland my home again. I’m filled with so much wonder. What’s changed. Have I changed? Will my family notice? Will my friends notice. Will they realize that I’m a man now? Will they understand that the 22yr. old boy that left is now a 25yr. old young man?
Ha, I’m sure they will. Won’t you? WON’T YOU!?!
– Brandon Holly –