Life, peace corps

Yo, Lizard!

HEY!

Geckoooo!!!!

LISTEN UP, JERK!

YEAH YOU, YOU FREAKING %^%$$@!!! SACK OF #$@#$% AND %#%^@$# WHY??

Why do you keep doing this? Dude, we really have a pretty good relationship other than this. I mean, I let you and your buddies walk all over my house and walls. I let you make that stupid cackling call, and I don’t even care about that one time you got drunk and fell on me at 1 in the morning. I get it, it happens to the best of us. You scared me, but I forgave you for that.

I feel like I am a reasonable man. You don’t bug me, you eat my bugs, we’re both happy. My house provides you with meals and protection. You provide me with a service. It’s great and I love you for it!

You aren’t quite skilled enough to get rid of the mosquitos and cockroaches, but you get those crickets like a champ. My floors would probably look something like this, if it wasn’t for you.

Crickets

A lizard's favorite snack.

And hey, I get it. You eat, and then certain biological functions take over. I understand, and one or two poops on the floor would be reasonable. I would merely sweep them away. But no. You need to poop on my stuff!

Now listen, I see you walking around here like your ish don’t stink, and honestly, it doesn’t. Nonetheless, this is disgusting.

Pooop!!!

Gross!

I try to pick it up off of my clothes and it smears. Your CRAP smeared all over my clean white shirt! Can I wear that to work now? No. You freaking little jerk! And you don’t stop there, do you?

poop

More Freaking Poop!

No. You don’t. What’s this in my bed?

Lizzie

Are you listening to me?

Oh, try to play dumb and cute if you’d like, but you saw those pictures. Yeah, those pictures looked a lot like what you keep leaving in my bed. Guess how I found those pictures. I want you to just take a wild guess.

Oh? You haven’t a clue?

LIZARD FECES! That’s how, you disgusting freak! Now, others may think I am overreacting. A little poop on the clothes is fine, it washes out easily. A few poops on the bed are easily disposed of with a few pops of the sheets. But this was taking it too far, you cocky little worm!

I thought we were cool until you did this.

What were you thinking, man?

….

YOU POOPED ON MY FACE!

Poop Face

You. Will. Pay!!!

I was laying down, minding my own business, playing a rousing game of Plants vs. Zombies, and listening to music; then, out of nowhere, I feel something hard and cold on my face. I brush it off only to find that it’s a little mushy. It rolls off and I look at what just hit me. It looked like this:

poop

More Freaking Poop!

I can’t believe you, man! I thought we were friends! Come on, dude. That is so not cool! The sad thing is, I am mad. However, more than that, I’m hurt.

How Could You?

You pooped on the money maker, dawg!

I thought you and I were bros.

Dude, I was going to invite you to Mario Party Night and Everything when I got back home to The States!

I just-, I thought we had a connection.

Listen, I still love you.*

Much Love,

– Brandon Holly –

*Codependent

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8 thoughts on “Yo, Lizard!

  1. Kris says:

    I don’t know why but this really touched me. Probably because I know it’s so true with many PCVs, myself included. I’m glad everything worked out in the end for you though. We can all come off as jerks sometimes – it is easier to just have them call it off then do it ourselves. You’re still an amazing guy! Peace

      • Brandon says:

        Hahaha, I kind of guessed which post it was meant for. I was confused for a split second though.

        I mean, lizard poop is serious business and all, but really?

        No, but honestly I was afraid that post would make people hate me. Thus, thanks for the kind words, my friend.

  2. Lance Stephens says:

    Hey Brandon! Your lizard post was HILARIOUS!!! Must be a bitch dealing with mother nature during already stressful times.

    This too shall pass, right?

    I also liked how you were playing Plants vs. Zombies–that game is awesome!

  3. Mercedes says:

    LMAO this is the best post ever. I was cracking up the whole time. I suspected these stupid lizards were leaving poop, I just wasnt sure what it was. I googled lizard poop (maybe “lizard feces” was more politically correct, but hey it was a gamble all in all) and this blog came up. Where do you live that you have these lizards? They look like the same ones I have in the Dominican Republic. Anyway thanks for clarifying that those little black things that sometimes have white tips are definitely poop. I feel your pain!

    • Brandon says:

      Hey Mercedes,

      I’m glad this blog brought some joy to you. Yeah, I’ve been checking out my blog stats. It seems that most people that find my blog are looking up lizard poop. Haha!

      I’m living in The Philippines at the moment as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I’ve always wanted to visit the DR. I’ve got to get my Spanish back. Actually, I just read a book by a Dominican born author not to long ago. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao… Good book.

      Anyway, I’m glad people all over the world understand the annoyance of finding those little poops all over the house.

      Peace.

  4. Dallasmom says:

    I found a bunch of this stuff all over a corner of our garage and wondered what could have made this poop all over the workbench, floor, baseboard and wall. Now I’m thinking it might have been the little house geckos I’ve seen running around there. I don’t know what else could have made poop stick to the wall! The only other animal I know that would make poop stick to the wall is a bird, and we don’t have any birds in the garage. Thanks for the picture of the poop. I had never seen poop like that before, with white tips.

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