YEAH YOU, YOU FREAKING %^%$$@!!! SACK OF #$@#$% AND %#%^@$# WHY??
Why do you keep doing this? Dude, we really have a pretty good relationship other than this. I mean, I let you and your buddies walk all over my house and walls. I let you make that stupid cackling call, and I don’t even care about that one time you got drunk and fell on me at 1 in the morning. I get it, it happens to the best of us. You scared me, but I forgave you for that.
I feel like I am a reasonable man. You don’t bug me, you eat my bugs, we’re both happy. My house provides you with meals and protection. You provide me with a service. It’s great and I love you for it!
You aren’t quite skilled enough to get rid of the mosquitos and cockroaches, but you get those crickets like a champ. My floors would probably look something like this, if it wasn’t for you.
And hey, I get it. You eat, and then certain biological functions take over. I understand, and one or two poops on the floor would be reasonable. I would merely sweep them away. But no. You need to poop on my stuff!
Now listen, I see you walking around here like your ish don’t stink, and honestly, it doesn’t. Nonetheless, this is disgusting.
I try to pick it up off of my clothes and it smears. Your CRAP smeared all over my clean white shirt! Can I wear that to work now? No. You freaking little jerk! And you don’t stop there, do you?
No. You don’t. What’s this in my bed?
Oh, try to play dumb and cute if you’d like, but you saw those pictures. Yeah, those pictures looked a lot like what you keep leaving in my bed. Guess how I found those pictures. I want you to just take a wild guess.
Oh? You haven’t a clue?
LIZARD FECES! That’s how, you disgusting freak! Now, others may think I am overreacting. A little poop on the clothes is fine, it washes out easily. A few poops on the bed are easily disposed of with a few pops of the sheets. But this was taking it too far, you cocky little worm!
I thought we were cool until you did this.
What were you thinking, man?
YOU POOPED ON MY FACE!
I was laying down, minding my own business, playing a rousing game of Plants vs. Zombies, and listening to music; then, out of nowhere, I feel something hard and cold on my face. I brush it off only to find that it’s a little mushy. It rolls off and I look at what just hit me. It looked like this:
I can’t believe you, man! I thought we were friends! Come on, dude. That is so not cool! The sad thing is, I am mad. However, more than that, I’m hurt.
I thought you and I were bros.
Dude, I was going to invite you to Mario Party Night and Everything when I got back home to The States!
I just-, I thought we had a connection.
Listen, I still love you.*
– Brandon Holly –