You think to yourself that you should go outside and do something. The problem is that it’s summer time in The Philippines. You’ve got the fan on full blast while you don’t do much. You’re just trying to stay cool. You tell yourself that you should probably just get used to the heat. You turn off the fan. You begin sweating profusely immediately. You turn the fan back on. You’ve been defeated. You end up doing inane things to fight off your boredom. You put small pieces of food on the ground to see how long it takes the ants to organize themselves. The answer is: Not long at all. You watch them. You begin to give them obstacles. You find out that they won’t cross a line of hand sanitizer until it dries out. Then they don’t seem so annoyed by it anymore. You think about the fact that you don’t want too many ants in your house, so you clean up. You sweep the ants outside and feel kind of bad about manipulating them. You lay back down and listen to music. You dream. You dream about friends from home. You wake up and in a half-dream/half-awake state you think about the fact that the damn goat outside of your window has been crying since 6 in the morning. You’ve tuned it out until now, but it has intruded into your conscious again. Thus, you are awake. You think about how you behaved in the past and if you’ve changed for the better. You think about how you are too impulsive sometimes and how people probably think you are a jerk because of how impassioned you can become. You think about your flaws. You think about the fact that you can’t hold a grudge and how that annoys you, especially when friends are holding a grudge against you. Unfortunately, you can’t seem to muster the same disdain. You think about how maybe this is a positive trait. You begin to feel good about yourself. You begin to feel self-righteous. You realize that that’s a flaw. You think about how you like to think that you are creative and how that’s kind of cool. You begin to feel pride. You have once again pinpointed another flaw. You decide to listen to one of those atmospheric bands you like (Sigur Ros, The Album Leaf, Frou Frou, etc.) and that kind of music always spark something inside of you. You jump out of bed and grab one of your notebooks. You begin to scribble down something that might be a good spoken word piece or a poem or just a bunch of stream of conscious thoughts. You feel good about what happened. You wonder if your time as a Peace Corps Volunteer is very worthwhile. That freaking goat is getting on your nerves again. You decide now would be a good time to eat. You also notice you have to pee. You wave to the family that lives in front of you. The woman mumbles something to you in Tagalog, but because you aren’t great at understanding yet you just smile, nod, and wave. This was apparently the correct response because she seems delighted. The younger girl smiles at you widely and that always makes you feel good. Oh hell, why not? “Kamusta na kayo?” you say. They say, “okey lang”. You turn around to make coffee for yourself. You lift up your shirt to see what the rib situation is like. You seem to have stopped losing weight. That’s good. You are sweating again and you wonder why you are making coffee. It’s as hot as hell and you aren’t even using that as profanity. You actually assume that hell is probably just about this hot. You go back to the room. You reread that awesome stream-of-conscious/poem/journal thing you wrote. It’s suddenly gotten lame. You scribble over it. You worry about the future for awhile. Maybe you’re not that great of a writer and if that’s true, what should you do? Writing has been the only thing you’ve been very sure of for yourself. Writing and Adventures. It’s all you’re very good at. And those two things don’t necessarily pay the bills. You smile to yourself in defiance. It’s you against the world. Who cares? That’s what’s fun. Life’s an adventure and if it was too easy then it wouldn’t be much fun! This helps you feel better about the fact that writing is still your passion. You wonder if you’re wasting time. You probably are. That’s okay though. It’s okay because it’s just too hot to move. You pick up your guitar and sing a little. You take sips of your coffee. You decide that at least you could give your room a good cleaning. You think you could also maybe walk around the neighborhood a bit. If for no other reason to let everyone know that you are friendly. You pick up your Tagalog-English dictionary. You study a bit. You feel confident enough. You walk out into the blazing sun.
Hm. Maybe later.
– Brandon Holly –