I recently read two very good books, by two intelligent men who spend a considerate amount of time and energy waxing poetic about their problems, both real and imagined.
Don’t get the wrong idea, however. I don’t regret reading them, but books like these tend to make me wax poetic about my own issues. It’s something all people do in some way shape or form. I think it is often identified as venting. Unfortunately, when you’re in the type of mood that I am currently in,* you become annoyed by those flowery descriptions of how fucked up these people are. I suppose this is probably because you have somehow realized that you’re fucked up in the same ways and you are sick and tired of people holding the mirror up to your face.
I am becoming increasingly terrified because I cannot seem to figure out life. I don’t want to work and then die. I don’t want to live a selfish life either. I don’t want to waste time pursuing empty short-lived spans of joy. I guess I just want what every human being wants. Not fame. Not money. Not even contentment or happiness. Those are just the false names people give to what they’re really after.
I think we’re all just searching for meaning.
I believe that I am coming to the conclusion that all the volunteering in the world won’t help me find meaning. All of the philosophy books won’t help me find meaning. Neither will becoming rich, writing a book, moving to India, moving to New York, buying a house, having a family, becoming a movie star, eating only meat**, eating only vegetables, building a house that is completely and utterly “off the grid”,***
and I have even come to realize that G-d can’t even give this to me.****
It’s too esoteric for all that, isn’t it?
Somewhat like the idea of a soul. You can’t really say in man-made terms what a soul is because well . . . it’s not man-made.
I compare this to the search for the soul because essentially a search for meaning is a search for me.
– Brandon Holly –
*The type of mood I am in is probably very similar to the one these men were in when writing. Yes, I am aware that this exposes me as a hypocrite. I am past the days of claiming otherwise.
**Holly Brubach, former style editor for the NY Times wrote an article about some men who only ever eat meat, some taking it as far as only eating raw meat. Regrettably, I cannot seem to locate the article.
***This is a major dream of mine. However, it lives in my head more as a concept. Thus, I direct you to this website for more information.
****I include G-d, because I am running off of the premise that the way people think of G-d is (necessarily) a human concept and that it cannot be anything other than that. It is my belief that if I were to find several people of several faiths and asked them individually who or what G-d is I would get as many answers as I have people unless they were primed to say something precise . . . which would be quite insulting to G-d, I think.
[Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig are the books I read.]