I am not a cussing man. I’m really not. But the only way to express the enormity of the insects in the Philippines is REALLY FUCKING BIG. I typed several sentences trying to find a way to express the intensity of the situation. That’s the only way.
The first insect I met was a night ago. I was getting ready to take my shower. I had my pants half of the way down when what do I see? A BIG FUCKING COCKROACH. This cockroach was as long as my palm and as fat as about 2 and a half of my fingers. I pulled my pants back up and decided to try and “save” this creature.
I honestly did not want to kill the poor guy. I mean, I’m sure he was just lost. He couldn’t find his way home and got stuck in my bathroom. I’m sure of this. Thus, I tried to coax him into my tabo. He freaked out and ran behind a couple of containers on my “cabinet”, so I tried to get him to come out and into the tabo. Instead he JUMPED and ran underneath the cabinet. At this point I was very frustrated. I could have just picked him up, but here’s the thing. Cockroaches in the Philippines bite. I didn’t want to deal with that, so I decided it was killin’ time.
He ran all the way up to the top shelf and hid behind a bag of silica. I don’t know why there is a bag of silica in the bathroom, but nonetheless, there he was. I then, quickly jabbed the bag of silica into his body. I was sure the beast was vanquished. I moved the bag and the creep got up! This bug had AT LEAST half of his guts spilled onto the top shelf in the bathroom, and was still moving! I had had enough. I picked up my bottle of Zest bodywash (By the way, if you send packages, send gum and bodywash. My address is in a link at the top of the page) and went to town. The dude was in three pieces and his feelers were still slightly twitching. I shrugged, picked him up and flushed him down the toilet. I got some soap and a dirty cloth and washed the cabinets. I then proceeded to take my shower. I wrote in my journal that I vanquished a cockroach and that I felt that I was braver because of this.
Pest #2 decided to show up last morning. Apparently in the Philippines insects show up in progressively larger forms. This time it was a spider. A spider the size of my hand. MY HAND! I owned a pet tarantula as a child, but there is something different about the two animals.
Anyway, this spider was unsquishable. Why? Because it was FULL of babies. Squishing the spider would only multiply my problem. Thus, I took a 5 second shower and got the hell out of the bathroom.
I guess I’m still a wuss.
There is a smaller spider that lives on the ceiling. He’s fine, but that spider that was hand-sized was unignorable. My family said that the spiders are harmless and don’t jump, so maybe next time I’ll just keep cool. But man, that was not how I wanted to wake up in the morning.
Stay insect free, America!
– Brandon Holly –
p.s. – The way things are going I should probably meet a rat next. They generally live in the roofs of Nipa Huts. A Nipa is MOST LIKELY my next home.