peace corps

Insecurity

Early post! Woohoo!!!

I leave August 20th. Today is August 3rd. I have 17 days until I leave. Oh wow.

I keep having these strange thoughts. They only happen when I am in bed. I become increasingly insecure about everything. I don’t know how to see enough of my friends, I don’t know how I am supposed to be acting right now, and I also don’t know how I am going to do overseas.

The biggest problem is a personal thing that is going on. (Ah! I ended a sentence in a preposition!)

My mother is sick. She goes to the doctor today. If it’s serious . . . should I stay? The oldest peace corps volunteer is in his 80s! I can go to the Peace Corps at any time. If my mom needs help I should probably not go, right? I’ve been told by numerous family members that the stress of me staying would be worse. However, I can’t imagine how I would feel if something happened and I was over 10,000 miles away!

I have been feeling horrible these past couple of days. I am always tired, always on edge, and just generally freaked out. (hahaha another preposition)

I spend a lot of time thinking about how afraid I am. I try to stay confident, but changing the world is kind of a big deal. I am starting to lose my fire. I need to find my muse, my inspiration, I need to be hyped! I need someone to tell me that I am a soldier and that I can never back down!

I was at work the other day. I was thinking about how so many people I know graduate from their hometown, go to college near their hometown, get a job in or near their hometown, have kids, and seem to live their life on autopilot. Livin’ life for the next episode of Lost or American Idol. I just do not understand such aimless living.

Shouldn’t we constantly strive for self-improvement! Not just personal self-improvement, but collectively!

That’s all I really have. Just insecurity today. Maybe Wednesday will hold a more positive post.

Much Love,

– Brandon Holly –

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